James Patterson

James Patterson has written novels (and I use the term loosely) with titles such as "The Quickie" and "You've Been Warned." Oh, the irony.

Not only does he write (purportedly) some of these things but he often collaborates (and by collaborate I mean get his name printed next to theirs) with other writers. Lots of them:

Maxine Paetro
Michael Ledwidge
Andrew Gross
Howard Roughan

Have you seen one of this guy's books? Ever been inside a grocery store? His novels are the ones near the M&M's with big 30% off stickers on them. I can't tell if it's evil or just genius. The guy writes novels tailor-made for soccer moms who want to feel literate. Look, if you're reading this junk you're not reading okay? You're going through all the motions but it's not reading a novel.

It's pretend reading.

You are just exercising your eye muscles.

His books have sometimes 200+ chapters. 200!! That's because each chapter is only a few pages, sometimes less than 5. You can read a chapter or two while you sit on the throne or while you're on the phone yakking to your other soccer mom friends when she has to run off to discipline her kids or while you sit at a game pretending to be interested in it when you're really only there to be seen looking like you're interested.

It's genius. You can be a member of the Borrowed Brain Club and still feel literate because you just read an entire novel...by yourself!

Go you.

James Patterson novels are the jujubes of the literary world. They'll rot your head. Do not try to read every one he's written. That's just about as helpful to the universe as counting to one million aloud.